Pet Peeve
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Joker tries to teach his pet hyenas the only trick he cares about: "Kill!" The babies don't listen, until an inconsiderate neighbor learns the hard way that it's best not to cause public disturbances. You never know who may be living next door. Thanks to blackcat9517 for the suggestion! :-)
1. Chapter 1

**Pet Peeve**

"And here we are in the Happiest Place on Earth! That's how I finally convinced Mr. J to take me there – he ain't a big fan of Disney, but he likes amusement parks, and I said it'd be just the perfect place for him, being the happiest guy on earth! And don't he just look gleeful?" Harley Quinn sighed, gazing dreamily at the photo.

"Yeah, you both look real happy. Which is more than I can say for Cinderella and Prince Charming," commented Poison Ivy. "Or those kids around you."

"Bunch of crybabies. They were just sore that me and Mr. J cut them in the line to meet Cinderella," explained Harley. "But like Mr. J said, they should've been grateful we didn't literally cut them!" she giggled. "I tell ya, Red, the place was crawling with kids – too goddamn many of them, getting in our way on the rides and meeting the characters. And they ain't even old enough to appreciate meeting Cinderella!"

"Bet you two had a lot to talk about, both being mindless, spineless, submissive slaves who won't stand up for yourself," muttered Ivy.

"Nah, she was actually pretty boring," confessed Harley. "Just seemed really scared and afraid to say anything. Cried a lot. Prince Charming wasn't much better – dunno what she sees in him. The kids didn't like it when Mr. J bottled him in the face and said sorry it wasn't a glass slipper, but I thought it was a good joke. And they really didn't like it when we cut them again to meet Mickey. But Mr. J told 'em to stop whining or the mouse would get it, and he actually put his gun to Mickey's head. But that only made the kids more upset. I think Mr. J was really gonna carry out his threat, but that's when Batsy appeared and started kicking the crap outta Mr. J. And strangely the kids really liked that. They kept cheering Bats on, the cruel little bastards. Bats even signed a few autographs before dragging us off, like the conceited creep he is. But all's well that ends well, and here we are back in our little ha-ha-cienda with a bunch of great pictures and memories that will last a lifetime!" she sighed, happily.

"I'm glad you had fun, Harley," said Ivy. "Nothing much happened here while you were away. Oh, except Johnny Crane tried to poison Gotham's water supply with fear toxin. Oh, and Harvey staged a robbery at the Gotham Mint. Oh, and Eddie Nygma planted a bunch of bombs around the city and sent riddles to the Bat which he had to solve in a limited time-frame, or they'd explode. So nothing that interesting."

"Gee, it's really dead when me and Mr. J are outta town, ain't it?" said Harley. "Bats must have been so bored without us – I guess that's why he dragged us back. And how did the babies behave for you, Red? I bet they really missed their Mommy and Daddy."

"I didn't really have much to do with them, Harley, I'll be honest with you," replied Ivy. And this was true – she had decided to leave them outside to fend for themselves after they had dug up her garden and killed most of her plants. She had been tempted to kill them, but figured Harley would never forgive her. "I let them exercise out back and fed them when you asked, but otherwise they stayed outside and I stayed inside. You know I'm not really an animal person."

"Yeah, I know, Red, and I just really appreciate you doing it," said Harley. "They were really glad to see us, though, weren't they? I tell ya, there's just nothing like the mindless affection of a dumb animal to make ya feel special."

"That's what I've always thought with you, pooh," said the Joker, returning from walking their pet hyenas and entering the room with Bud and Lou following him. He kissed Harley's cheek fondly, and then bent down to let the hyenas off their leashes. They immediately leapt up into Harley's lap and began licking her face enthusiastically.

"Hello, babies! Did you have a good walk? Did you? Were you good boys for Daddy? Yes, you were, yes, you were!" she cooed, cuddling them and kissing them. "Who's the sweetest babies in the world? You are, yes, you are! Mommy loves you so, so much, yes, she does!"

Ivy felt slightly sickened, and turned her attention away from Harley. "Heard Bats ruined your vacation, J," she said. "Tough break."

"Well, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't missing him," replied Joker, shrugging. "Told him as much on the way back from Disneyland, but he didn't respond. You know how emotionally distant he is, but opposites attract, I guess. I mean, I'm a boxers man, and Bats is clearly a briefs kinda guy. Granted, he wears them on the outside, but each to his own," he chuckled. "Speaking of which, you'll need to do the laundry, pooh – the boys made kinda a mess on the rug."

Harley sighed. "Babies, I told you, you do that outside!" she purred, petting them. "Outside! Outside, yes, you sweet, cute, adorable little angels!"

"I don't mean to criticize your treatment of your own pets, Harley, but I don't think they know they've done anything wrong when you speak to them in that tone of voice," said Ivy. "You have to be firm and discipline your pets if you want them to obey you."

"Again, what I've always done with you, pooh!" chuckled Joker. Harley squeaked happily and kissed him.

"Well, I know that's the idea, Red, but I ain't really got the heart to discipline them," she murmured, cuddling the hyenas gently. "They're just too cute to stay mad at. Just like my precious puddin'," she breathed, gazing at Joker adoringly.

"And so they get away with murder, just like J," muttered Ivy.

"Hey, I don't go around crapping on the rug," retorted Joker.

"But if you did, I'm sure Harley would just smile and put up with it, the way she puts up with all your other crap," snapped Ivy.

"I think Mr. J has taught them a few tricks, haven't you, puddin'?" asked Harley, trying to diffuse the tension.

"Only one," said Joker, nodding. He clapped his hands. "Bud! Lou! Hey, boys!"

They turned at their names. He pointed at Ivy. "Bud! Lou! Kill!"

They looked from him, to Ivy, and back, wagging their tails and panting, but not moving.

"Oh, c'mon, boys, I've taught you this one!" he exclaimed, kneeling down. He pointed at Ivy again. "Kill!"

They just stared blankly back at him, and Bud licked his face. Joker wiped his cheek irritably, then grabbed them by their collars and dragged them toward Ivy. "Kill!" he repeated, firmly.

They started sniffing her. And then Lou began trying to mount her leg. "That's not killing!" snapped Joker, as Ivy kicked him away.

"They keep doing that, Harley, can't you at least train them not to hump people's legs?" demanded Ivy. "Or maybe neuter them? It would make them less frisky. I'd be happy to perform the procedures myself."

"That's just like you, isn't it?" demanded Joker. "Going around emasculating guys? Well, personally I think it's pretty barbaric to do that to a guy, toots, and you ain't gonna do it to my pets, so get that idea right outta your head, Weed Lady. C'mon, boys, let's get you fed," he said, striding from the room with the hyenas rushing after him, wagging their tails and laughing.

"It would be a good idea, Harley," said Ivy.

Harley shrugged. "Well, Mr. J don't wanna do it, and I wouldn't wanna hurt them like that. Plus it is pretty demeaning to do that to a guy, Red."

"Oh, I dunno," sighed Ivy. "I think most of them deserve it. I know a couple guys who could stand to have their balls chopped off," she muttered, glaring after Joker. "Him and Batman, for one. I'd be happy to perform those procedures too. Might make them less aggressive."

"I wouldn't want Mr. J to be less aggressive," sighed Harley, dreamily. "He's so attractive when he's violent. Nobody can hit a gal like he can."

Ivy sighed and rolled her eyes. "Anyway, I don't mind the babies being a little aggressive," continued Harley. "You never know when it might be useful. They could make good guard dogs. They already make better henchmen than most of the guys Mr. J hires. I mean, they're usually pretty inept at killing people too."

"True," said Ivy, standing up. "Well, I'll leave you to make yourself at home, baby. After the vacation and the stint in Arkham, you need some time to settle in again."

"Yeah, it's nice to be back," agreed Harley. "And of course it's always great to see you, Red," she said, hugging her. "I'll try and pick you up a present for taking care of the babies."

"You don't have to do that, Harley, it was nothing," said Ivy. "Always happy to help out a friend. Even if it does mean putting up with mutts jumping on you. Good thing I'm used to that kinda behavior from men, so I know how to handle it."

"How?" asked Harley.

The hyenas raced into the room at that moment, leaping at Ivy again. She kicked them hard in the groin. "Red, don't!" shrieked Harley as they whimpered in pain. "You'll really hurt them!"

"I'm just teaching them not to do that again," retorted Ivy. "Pain is the best way to discipline, as I'm sure you know, Harley."

"Now there's a gal after my own heart!" chuckled Joker, re-entering the room and beaming at Ivy. "You ever wanna be disciplined hard, baby, you give me a call."

Ivy glared at him and then kicked him hard in the groin. "See you later, Harley!" she called, striding from the room as Joker doubled over. She heard him hiss in agony and smiled, ignoring Harley's angry shouts following her out the door.


	2. Chapter 2

At about two in the morning, Harley was startled out of her sleep by the sound of a pounding beat and loud talking and laughter. She blinked, looking around for the source of the noise. It sounded to her like it was coming from the neighboring house. Apparently when they had been on vacation and locked up, someone had moved in next door. Someone who was obviously having a party.

She gently shook Joker. "Puddin'?"

He didn't respond, except to grunt and mutter, "Mmmrah, die Bats," in his sleep.

She shook him harder. "Puddin'!"

"What?" he snapped, waking up and rubbing his eyes. "What? What is it, you stupid woman? I was having the best dream and you have to go and…what's that goddamn noise?"

"It's coming from next door, puddin'," she said. "I think they're having a party."

"And they didn't invite us?" asked Joker, offended. "Well, that's just rude! Go teach them a lesson in manners, Harley," he yawned, lying down and rolling over.

"Oh…ok, puddin'," said Harley, slowly. "I thought you might wanna go talk to…"

"I wanna go back to sleep," he snapped. "So make them shut up, ok, baby? Thanks, dollface, you're an angel."

Harley sighed, standing up and pulling on her robe. She rubbed her eyes sleepily as she left the hideout. Bud and Lou were tied up out front and raised their heads when they saw her. "Go back to sleep, babies – Mommy's just handling it," she whispered, petting them as she passed.

She knocked on the neighboring door. It was opened by a handsome young man who eyed her up and down. "You the stripper?" he asked.

"What? Um…no, I'm Harley," she said. "I live next door…"

"Ok, well, if you ain't the stripper, you won't mind me asking you to beat it, will you?" he interrupted. "This is a private party. Unless you'd be willing to strip. You're pretty hot – I'd pay to see that."

"I'm sorry?" demanded Harley, a mixture of puzzled and offended.

"Fifty bucks," he said, reaching into his pocket.

"I don't…"

"All right, make it a hundred," he interrupted, pulling out a bill. "C'mon, you won't get a better offer than that."

"Look, I don't strip for anyone but my boyfriend, ok?" said Harley, annoyed. "I ain't that kinda girl."

He shrugged. "Your loss," he said. "Now beat it."

"I came over here to ask you to keep it down," snapped Harley. "Decent people are trying to sleep at two in the morning on a weeknight."

He shrugged again, lighting a cigarette. "I ain't. So it ain't really my problem."

"Y'know, I don't like inconsiderate people," hissed Harley. "And rudeness is a real pet peeve of mine. I think you'll probably wanna do as I say, pal."

He blew smoke into her face. "Or what?" he said.

"Or I'll go get my boyfriend," retorted Harley. "And you don't want me to do that, trust me."

He laughed. "Aw, I'm really scared, sweetheart," he retorted, grinning. "Yeah, you bring him over and we'll have some words. What is he, a mechanic or something?"

"He's done his share of work on my engine," retorted Harley. "But no, he's a clown, actually."

He laughed again. "What, do I look six? You think I'm scared of a clown? Just beat it, baby. Or go and get your boyfriend – he might be good for a laugh."

He slammed the door in her face. Harley's hands had balled into fists, which only tightened as she heard the volume on the music increase. She stormed back into their bedroom. "Mr. J!" she shouted, shaking him.

"What?" he snapped again.

"The guy next door's a total jerk! He won't listen to me! You gotta go talk to him, puddin'!"

"Aw, Jesus, Harley, can't you just sleep through the noise?" he muttered. "I don't wanna get up."

"But he insulted me, Mr. J!" she exclaimed. "He offered me a hundred bucks to strip for him!"

"Not that insulting, baby – coulda been twenty," he retorted.

"Mr. J!" she cried, folding her arms across her chest and glaring at him.

He yawned. "All right, all right," he muttered, sitting up. "Keep your shirt on. Now what did you do with mine?" he asked, looking around.

"I hung it up in the closet, Mr. J, but you don't have to get all dressed up," said Harley.

"Well, I ain't going over there in my boxers!" he snapped. "I'm the Joker, for Christ's sake! I have an image to preserve! And I always gotta look my best because I have standards!"

"But Mr. J, you take ages getting ready…" began Harley.

"Because I have standards," he repeated, heading for the bathroom. "Unlike you! So just sit down and cool it, you little brat!"

He slammed the bathroom door. Harley sat down on the edge of the bed huffily. She was tired and irritated and she didn't want to have to wait half an hour for Mr. J to get dressed and do his hair when all she really wanted was to go back to sleep.

Then an idea struck her. She stood up and crept out of the room, heading outside. "Hi, babies," she whispered, as Bud and Lou's tails wagged at her approach. "You wanna help Mommy teach a bad man some manners? Of course you do, you little angels."

She unhooked their leashes and dragged them over to the neighboring house, knocking loudly. The same man opened the door, glaring at her contemptuously. "Thought I told you to beat it," he snapped.

"Look, it ain't nice when people let their fun get outta hand and disturb other people," said Harley. "It ain't nice when people are inconsiderate and discourteous to their neighbors. This is my last warning to you – turn down the music and nobody will get hurt."

He laughed. "Yeah? And who's gonna hurt me, sweetheart? You?"

"Nope. My babies," she retorted, letting go of the leashes. Bud and Lou immediately jumped at the man, knocking him backward, and then ran into the house, laughing, and knocking over food and furniture, and jumping on the party guests, and causing general chaos. The man stared at the mayhem, and then grew furious.

He whirled around and suddenly struck Harley across the face. "You dumb bitch!" he shrieked.

Bud and Lou suddenly stopped laughing and turned to the man. They had been panting happily, but now their jaws were set tight and their hackles raised as they slowly approached him, growling.

Harley suddenly felt a hand in hers, helping her to her feet. "Ain't no way to talk to a lady, sport," muttered a familiar voice. "And nobody hits Harley but me."

The man couldn't quite see who it was in the dim light from the hall, but he said, mockingly, "Lemme guess. You're the clown, right?"

"Not clown," Joker said, stepping into the light and smiling. "Joker."

The man's face went pale and terror leapt into his eyes. "Oh…my…God…" he stammered.

"Bud, Lou," murmured Joker, laying a hand each on the hyenas' heads as they snarled at the man. "Kill."

He didn't even have time to scream before the hyenas leapt on him, tearing his throat out. The party guests began screaming as Bud and Lou attacked them next, ripping and clawing and tearing them to shreds. Amid the chaos, Joker calmly made his way over to the buffet and began helping himself to some snacks. "Cake, pooh bear?" he asked, holding out a piece to Harley.

"Thanks, puddin'," she breathed, kissing him. She sat on his lap, and fed him pieces of cake, watching the carnage and smiling.

When everyone was dead, Bud and Lou quietly came over to them and lay their heads in Harley's lap, nuzzling her affectionately. Harley petted them, cooing over them. "Good babies," she murmured.

Joker yawned and stretched. "Yeah, good job, boys," he said, beaming and petting them. "Told you I trained them, pooh!"

"I never doubted you for a second, puddin'," she said, kissing him again.

Joker yawned again. "I am absolutely pooped, I tell ya, cupcake," he said. "Watching all that violence really takes it outta you. Bedtime, hmm?"

"Sure thing, Mr. J," she replied. They left the house hand in hand, with Bud and Lou trailing after them. Harley was about to tie them up out back, when Joker stopped her.

"They deserve a reward, doncha think, kiddo?" he asked.

She beamed. "You mean they can sleep inside, puddin'?" she said.

He nodded. Harley squeaked in delight – she never liked tying the babies up outside. She always worried they got cold. But there was no fear of that now, she thought, as she and Joker climbed into bed, and Bud and Lou settled themselves at their feet. "Night, Mr. J," sighed Harley, in delight.

"Night, pooh bear," he murmured.

"Night, babies," she whispered.

They whined happily. Harley smiled and snuggled deeper into Joker's embrace, enjoying the sound of silence.


	3. Chapter 3

Poison Ivy opened the door to be greeted with a potted plant thrust into her face. "Hi, Red!" exclaimed a familiar voice. "Brought you a present for looking after the babies, just like I promised!"

"Thanks…Harley," stammered Ivy, taking the plant from her.

"If you like it, there are a lot more where it came from," said Harley, beaming. "We recently inherited a bunch of stuff from a wealthy neighbor. He had a conservatory and everything!"

"If I'd have known, I'd have set up a real life game of Clue," said the Joker, as he and Harley entered Ivy's house with Bud and Lou following behind them, chuckling. "That could have been a good gag. As it was, Bud and Lou just ripped them all to shreds. Which was still pretty funny to watch, I gotta admit."

"Oh, so you did teach them to kill?" asked Ivy.

"Yeah, they just needed the proper motivation," said Harley, cuddling them.

"Can you keep them away from the garden?" asked Ivy, slowly, as the hyenas rushed outside. "I only recently got everything replanted from the last time they dug it up."

"Sure, Red, no problem," said Harley. "Bud! Lou! C'mere, babies! Babies! Mommy's not kidding! C'mon, sweetie, leave those flowers alone! Bud! Lou! Babies, I mean it, Mommy's going to be very, very upset…"

"Oh, for God's sake, Harley, just go get them!" shouted Ivy, shoving her outside.

Joker chuckled. "They're good boys," he said, sitting down and smiling. "Always trying to make their Daddy laugh. When I had them imported over, perfectly legally, of course, the guy on the phone asked me if I wanted boys or girls. And I told him boys – said I already got a bitch, and I don't need another one!"

He giggled uncontrollably. Ivy didn't; she didn't find it funny, for one, and she was more concerned with watching Harley's efforts at pulling the hyenas away from the flower bed.

"If they do anything to those plants, I swear I'll neuter the mutts myself," she muttered.

"You got a really unhealthy fixation, y'know that, toots?" asked Joker. "I dunno what guys see in you – crazy dame obsessed with making them less of a man."

"Oh, I don't deny it's a lotta fun, J," retorted Ivy. "But it's also practical. Once you castrate a guy, you deprive them of the ability to procreate, and put more ungrateful humans on this planet. The fewer guys who are able to do that, the better."

"Kids really annoy you that much, huh?" asked Joker, smiling at her. "I mean, I ain't exactly the fatherly type myself, but I can't say I'm personally offended by them."

"Of course I'm annoyed by more breathing, walking sacks of meat who constantly trample and abuse my babies," retorted Ivy. "There's nothing that irritates me more in the world, apart from Batman. And you."

"Yeah?" he asked, grinning. "Really? So I guess it would really get your roots in a twist if, say, there was like a kid version of me. That'd be a really cruel joke to play on you, wouldn't it, Pammie?"

Ivy suddenly saw where this was going. "No," she said, firmly. "No, no, no, don't even think about it, J. Anyway, you wouldn't make Harley go through all that trouble just for a joke…"

She trailed off. Of course he would – he was the Joker. Nothing was more important to him in the world than his jokes.

Harley returned at that moment, dragging the hyenas with her, and Joker tenderly took her in his arms. "Pooh bear, you wanna go home? I'm in the mood for a little ha ha with Harley Quinn."

"You…are?" stammered Harley, in disbelief. "Really? But you ain't ever in the mood, Mr. J!"

"So don't look a gift horse in the mouth. C'mon, baby," he murmured, pulling her toward the door.

"J, I mean it, don't you dare…" said Ivy, but he had already left, with Harley and the hyenas following him. Ivy heard him laughing hysterically, and his pets joined in.

"He wouldn't get Harley pregnant just to annoy me," Ivy assured herself. "I mean, not even the Joker's that crazy."

This reassured her for about a second. The next moment, she was chasing after them out the door, a knife in each hand, intending to either castrate him or kill him – whichever was easier.

"I hate him," she muttered. "I really, really do."

**The End**


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